Putting It to Rest

I told my husband today that every fall and spring it hits, I should not be surprised anymore: the endless to-do list. I may not live on the prairie, and I may not have to "put away" supplies for the coming winter months because the train can't get through for months of long winter, BUT...

in Georgia we basically have 2 seasons: cold and hot. There are some gorgeous days in between, but they tend to go as suddenly as they came. And when they do, your kids better have some appropriate clothing.

When you have 3 or more kids, this gets tricky. Especially when they start having opinions. And activities. I mean, when they were small it was tricky enough, but now I not only have to find the clothes (and find the money for the clothes), there is also the last minute "oh, yeah -- I need this and so for this and that activity!" AND I also have to squeeze in the shopping trips (oh the endless, exhausting, stressful shopping trips to juniors shops where the music is so loud and STRANGE that it quite paralyzes one who needs to THINK, for goodness' sake!) in between those activities: the swim practices, piano lessons, chorus rehearsals, youth group meetings and activities, birthday parties, babysitting gigs, doctor's appointments, haircuts, and Bible studies.

Oh, and school.

My girls have quit growing for the most part, and so we're left with replacing worn out items (jeans, shoes, undies, pj's) and sprucing up the wardrobe with just enough "pretties" to keep them feeling in sync with their world. This seems like it might be easier, but in reality it is much more complicated. I walk by the aisles of pink shirts with ballet slippers on the front; the Gymboree store where everything goes with everything; and the Disney store full of iconic princess clothing, and mourn the loss of simplicity.

...but then Jack tells me he DEFINITELY wants "cool pj's" this year, and when asked, describes this as "something Star Wars." So, I'm still good for awhile.

Lately, for every 2 items I check off of my to-do list, another 3 seem to make their way back onto it. (thus my phrase: "the endless to-do list!"). I feel like the dog that tries to catch its own tail: what am I accomplishing here? It's frustrating, and I'm frustrated. I have to apologize to my teenager, explain to her that I do not begrudge her the clothing, I do not begrudge her the time that it took me to find the clothing -- but I'm frustrated and overwhelmed in my tired moments, just like she is frustrated and tired with her geometry in the early mornings when the entire school day is still looming before her, un-begun.

There are days I find myself praying, "I don't know what I'm doing..." but maybe it helps a 15 year old to know that's life, and we all struggle. As I keep telling Courtney, we have to find out how to bring our Christianity down into our life. What does it mean to be a Christian, when you're broke and tired and stressed and frustrated and the junior's shops play their music TOO LOUD FOR OLD PEOPLE??? :)

(And if you are afflicted with a bad case of over-thinking-itis, like I am, there is the eternal question: how much does one NEED?
But this is a question for another day. Probably the last day of my life, because I am beginning to think I will never feel comfortable with money. Ever. There are too many starving children for me to ever feel quite comfortable buying jeans at the mall, or makeup at Target...

but I digress.)

Sometimes, for me, it just means talking to my daughter about my tiredness and irritability instead of walking away to gain a few precious moments of solitude. To wait for her eyes to clear up, not because I'm suddenly wearing a halo again, but because we both get that. She gets it. And we're learning, both of us, to be gracious with each other... to grant space and time to a stressed person.

Sometimes it means simply going to bed and letting the dark fall, knowing that mercy is new for the taking every morning...

When I was young, I never thought to say, "Thank you, Lord God, for making NIGHT." And now it has become a distinct pleasure. I love "putting my days to rest," once and for all, knowing that what is undone will be kept by God who never sleeps nor slumbers, and my shortcomings are cast far away into the sea of His merciful forgetfulness.

As we came home tonight, tired and hungry, with a layer of mall-grunge and day's dirt upon us, longing for food and baths and clean sheets, the sun set like a liquid ball of glory on the horizon, and the clouds were strung out like a multitude of angels' wings. I wished I could have heard what that song sounded like so long ago: "Glory in the highest, and on earth peace, goodwill to men..." And I recalled the words I recently wrote and taped in a very visible place:

Live unashamed and unafraid. Love covers a multitude of sins -- and perfect love casts out fear. Gather God's glory with your senses, and be thankful.

In the evenings His glory falls upon us in golden shades; it reflects and beautifies, bringing color to what was drab, bringing life even to cold gray stones, making them into works of art for the few moments that they are touched by golden rays. Faces are softened, skin warmed, eyes lit. And then, He puts it all to rest, under cover of darkness. Through the night, He sings over us until we awake to receive His mercy -- brand new every morning! Great is His faithfulness. What an unspeakable gift, every single day. Every single night.

I am silly and bound to earth... I'm plain and without sense most of the time... I feel fear and anxiety and stress and I wonder, "Am I doing this right?" I tend to see the flaws under the glaring mid-day sun. I scrutinize and wince.

But when the sun sets and the angels' wings whisper glory, I have to learn to be silenced by the reality of His hovering, creative Spirit that is always at work, and His artistry that may only be glimpsed fleetingly. To look up and away from self, from glaring flaws, into the warmth of a sun setting upon God's children, falling behind and before, settling all around, making art out of the nooks and the crannies and the imperfections where shadows hide.

His grace is sufficient. What an understatement! "It's enough." We sing with the music in the car on the tired ride home:

"Hold on, He will carry us; Hold on, He will carry us home..."

"For while we are still in this tent, we groan, being burdened —
not that we would be unclothed,
but that we would be further clothed,
so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life.
He who has prepared us for this very thing is God,
who has given us the Spirit as a guarantee."
2 Cor. 5:4-5